Kudos to you for researching how to support a friend or loved one struggling with fertility. With WHO’s most recent statistics showing that infertility affects about 17% of the population (1 in 6 adults), odds are you know more people than you think who can – and will – benefit from your support at some point.

Tips To Help a Friend With an Infertility Diagnosis

Involuntary infertility can become a wedge in family and friend dynamics, one that eventually erodes or even permanently damages relationships. So, the culture must become more fluent in how to listen, talk about, and show true solidarity and support when someone we love receives an infertility diagnosis, is going through fertility treatments, or is in the process of regrouping and deciding which family-building options feel best for them.

1. Do your homework and learn what the fertility journey is like for others

One of the best things you can do is research and learn as much as you can about what the infertility or fertility journey is like and how it affects individuals and couples who experience it.

• It often threatens their very sense of self-worth and confidence.
• The person with the diagnosis can feel tremendous guilt and like their partner should be with someone else instead.
• The one without the diagnosis can feel selfish about how angry and resentful they are that the one they love can’t give them the child they wanted without treatments (or at all).
• Infertility (and fertility treatments) often involves repeat miscarriages and messages of “it didn’t work”.
• Fertility medications are grueling.
• Appointments can take over your lives.
• People struggling with infertility are more prone to depression and anxiety (and fertility medications heighten those feelings).
• Seeing other pregnant people, hearing about them, or being around babies and children is usually excruciating.
• Holidays are especially challenging.
• It can feel very isolating, lonely, and never-ending.

These are extremely challenging feelings and experiences, but they are the daily reality for your friend(s).

Read fertility blogs and listen to podcasts that focus on infertility and fertility treatment to learn more about what people go through. This foundation will make you far more empathetic to your friends’ plight.

2. Cultivate deep listening skills

This one seemingly simple skill transforms relationships no matter what the topic, but deep listening is especially helpful when you know someone battling infertility. This life-long skill requires:

• Attentive presence.
• A focused mind.
• Connecting with non-verbal cues (eyes shining or tearing up, flushed face, nervous hands/feet, tight voice, lack of eye contact).
• Resisting the urge to share your experience or thoughts on the matter (unless asked).
• A compassionate heart.
• Patience to listen over and over again, since you may be their only “safe” channel for venting, emoting, and sharing.

The simple act of listening – without fixing or trying to relate what they’re going through to something you or someone else went through – is one of the most invaluable gifts you can give them.

3. Do NOT offer common infertility platitudes.

We understand that platitudes and adages are often rooted in truth. However, that truth is irrelevant when someone is in emotional pain and grief. It is an instant insult and off-putting block that makes most people retreat rather than lean in to your support.

With that in mind, resist the most common, trite statements our infertility patients hear all the time from well-meaning friends and loved ones. Here is what NOT to say to a friend facing infertility and what comes next.

• Just try to relax, and you’ll probably conceive on your own.
• Take a vacation; that’s what my friends did and…
• How come you’re not trying fertility treatment A, B, or C?
• Maybe this means you aren’t meant to be parents (horrible – but people actually have said this to our patients).
• Trust that this is God’s (or applicable higher power’s) plan.
• Why don’t you just adopt?
• How often do you have sex, OR maybe you need to have sex more often?
• You’re still young, or you have plenty of time.
• You can have one of mine (jokes are not helpful).
• Have you tried X, Y, or Z?
• Just do IVF, it works for everyone (it’s effective, but it doesn’t work for everyone – nor is it always an option).
• It would be worse.
• It took us X months to get pregnant, so we totally understand!

Rest assured that any friend of yours navigating the infertility path has done their fair share of research and then some. That’s especially true if they’re already working with a fertility specialist. Rather than offering advice or supposed-to-be-soothing platitudes, connect with and honor their feelings.

4. Use supportive, compassionate responses

Reassuring them that their feelings (sad, angry, rageful, frustrated, grieving, resentful towards others who are pregnant or have children, etc.) are entirely normal—and honoring them wherever they are at any moment in time—is the other side of the deep listening coin.

• I can see/hear/observe how hard this is for you.
• How can I support you?
• What could I do to be a better friend to you at this time?
• This really sucks. I’m so sorry. You are not alone because I/we are here for you.
• I totally agree with you; it’s not fair!

Check in with them often and remind them you’re available to vent to when needed. These supportive conversations will not be one-time events. Some people struggle with fertility for years before they come to some type of resolution. Until then, you’re support can be vital to their well-being and comfort.

5. Honor what they need to do to support their fertility

Making significant lifestyle changes, including healthier diet choices or eliminating alcohol/pot use, is a foundation of fertility treatment. Keep that in mind when planning meals, get-togethers, or social events. Ask your friend(s) about what they’re doing to prepare their body for pregnancy and honor those choices during your time together.

Other things you can do include:

• Remembering them on Mother’s/Father’s Day and sending a tender, heartfelt message.
• Never complaining about your pregnancy. This can be hard, but other friends and family better outlets for that. Keep pregnancy discomforts to yourself because your friend would do anything to suffer the same.
• Making a calendar reminder for National Infertility Awareness Week (takes place every April) and asking if you can join them in hosting/attending an event, or be part of the social media sharing.
• Offering to visit an infertility support group with them if they feel weird about going alone.
• Scheduling date nights to help your friends keep the romance alive during this hard time. If you have kids, make it a kid-free conversation zone.

GIVF is Dedicated to Creating a More Infertility Friendly & Supportive Community

GIVF sees firsthand how much it helps when our patients have caring friends who know just how to be there for them. We hope this information on how to support a friend struggling with infertility is helpful.

We encourage you to share it with others in your circle to grow more awareness and compassion around the tender topic of infertility. Your friends are lucky to have you on their side!