Handling the Holidays During Infertility
The holidays can be an incredibly challenging time when you’re facing an infertility diagnosis or in the midst of fertility treatments.
While the rest of the world may seem “Holly Jolly,” many of our GIVF patients find it challenging to embrace the season’s holiday cheer or to attend traditional holiday events and activities.
5 Ideas To Support Emotional Wellbeing During The Holiday Season
Over the years of supporting people just like you, we’ve learned a few things that have seemed to help our patients (and their partners) handle the holidays during infertility – or in the middle of fertility treatment cycles – with greater ease.
1. Lighten your calendar load
For some patients, lightening the calendar load may mean canceling all holiday activities, spending a hideaway-style staycation in their home, or heading out of town for a total getaway to avoid painful holiday triggers. For others, easing up on calendar commitments means only saying “yes” to the absolutely essential holiday events and letting the rest of it go.
Honor your instincts, and if you feel like it’s probably a no, say “no.” Or, if that’s hard for you to do, play it by feel. If you feel up to the event that day, go ahead and try it out. But we recommend having an escape plan of some sort worked out ahead of time in case you need to excuse yourself early (see #5).
2. Communicate clearly with relatives and loved ones
It can be almost shocking how insensitive or unconscious even our closest family and friends can be around the feelings attached to facing the holidays when you’re coping with infertility.
Many of our patients have had great success by emailing family or friend event hosts and trusted attendees a few days beforehand. If you don’t feel up for it, this might be a good task for your partner to take on. Let others know this is a challenging time for you and that it can be very hard for you to see other pregnant women, babies, young children, and happy families. Remind them that sometimes it’s just hard to feel sad amidst everyone else’s effervescent joy and that might be reflected in your demeanor.
Depending on how you’re feeling – and what stage you’re at in your infertility diagnosis and treatment cycle – it may be enough just to let them know you’re having a hard time, which can explain why you may seem more serious or low-key than normal. If loved ones know about your situation, you can request that guests press pause on any fertility or family-building questions until after the holidays.
3. Attend “Blue” Holiday Events
Did you know many churches, spiritual centers, or health and wellness practitioners offer some version of “blue holiday” events? These events honor the fact that while the holidays are commercially presented as cheerful times of connection, many people experience complicated feelings as the result of their families of origin, unhappy past holiday memories, or because the holidays fall during a time that is unhappy or challenging for them this year.
For example, Unity of Fairfax will be offering a Blue Christmas service on the evening of December 3rd, Fairfax Church is holding its Blue Christmas service on the 4th. Even if you have no religious inclinations, attending events like these can help you feel less alone while providing a safe space for you to be present with the array of emotions bubbling up fright now. Attendees often leave services like these feeling calmer and more at peace.
4. Utilize infertility-specific support systems
Are you taking advantage of the infertility support systems available to you? There are several virtual peer-led infertility support groups available that allow you to connect with others who are in the same boat as you from the comfort of your own home.
We also recommend connecting with a therapist who specializes in infertility support. Websites like Psychology Today are a good place to start. Your fertility specialist may also have referrals for local professionals in your area. Fertility counseling provides a private space for you (and your spouse/partner) to process your experience and create personalized coping strategies for daily life – and for holiday triggers.
5. Create “exit signs” with your partners or trusted others
Sometimes, we don’t know we are going to be triggered at all until we are. You might wake up very excited to attend a seasonal event like a community tree lighting or a festive ice skating rink, only to find that seeing families with small children or hearing your favorite holiday songs catalyze an emotional meltdown. On the other hand, you may be dreading a specific gathering you committed to and then surprise yourself when you realize you’re having fun, enjoying the celebratory atmosphere, and are grateful you didn’t bow out.
The reality is emotions can be hard to predict. For that reason, we recommend that you and your partner work out some kind of exit sign or phrase that means, “I gotta get out of here.” Just knowing you have an “out” if you need one is reassuring and can make accepting invitations a bit easier.
GIVF Wishes You a Peaceful Holiday Season
Why you may not be able to be as joyful as you’ve been in previous years, the team at GIVF sincerely hopes that these tips can help you have a more peaceful holiday season.
Please know you can always reach out to us anytime you need extra support handling the holidays during infertility. We are here to accompany you every step of the way.
